Undertaking a New Romance

Undertaking a New Romance

I wondered what Madelynne would say if she saw me now, hanging from a rather amused looking gargoyle on a skyscraper with only a few straps from my parachute keeping me from becoming a greasy stain on the pavement. She’d probably have some witty thing to throw in my face, even though she’s the one who has always encouraged me to take risks. I can picture what they’d say at my funeral.

“Silly girl, jumping out of an airplane that was about to land!”

That would be Madelynne speaking, standing over my open casket wearing a tight black leather dress and huge movie-star sunglasses. Her curly brown hair would look amazing and she’d be blowing smoke from her Misty lights into my eternal resting box.

By stark contrast, I’d look a mess. My body would have been scraped off the pavement, like road-kill; they might have even used a shovel for all I know. I’d be barely in one single mostly flat piece. Yet my mother would wander past in her best black Italian funeral dress, complete with mourning veil and feel the need to insult me with a compliment. “It’s the best her make-up has ever looked!”

I’d get lowered into the ground at our family plot in the graveyard of Morbid Mausoleums. The owner’s name was Llewellyn Morbid and he became an undertaker. Tell me the universe doesn’t have a sense of humor. Anyway, as I descend into the ground, my coffin still open in case anyone needs to make a last minute comment, I can see the inscription on my tombstone: “Here lies, Erin Elizabeth Ashby, the foolish girl who was too afraid to live until the day she died!”

It seems surreal up here. A pigeon flies past my head and lands on the gargoyles head. I can feel the tremors in my strap as the bird meanders around, apparently trying to assess the situation. You’d think that I would smell the city up here, but all I can smell is my own perspiration. Great, I am gonna die smelling like body odor. Well, I guess it doesn’t matter really; dead bodies don’t usually have a pleasant smell.

One of my straps slips off the gargoyle.

Madelynne and I were walking across the lawn of Morbid Mausoleums on our way to meet with Lew. I didn’t want to go, but Maddy seemed to be incapable of taking five-hundred and sixty-three ways of saying no for an answer. Lew was attractive enough, he had strong arms, a permanent tan, and beautiful baby blue eyes, but I had no interest in him at all. He smelled of embalming fluid and I just couldn’t bring myself to get past that. Besides, what would a man who touches dead people all day know about touching a living woman?

Lew came out of the red brick house on the far side of the grounds. He was looking especially delicious that day, wearing a black t-shirt and pants which were so incredibly tight that I am pretty sure he and his tailor were on intimate terms.

“Hiya Erin,” Lew ran his hand through his perfect wavy black hair as if to make it look more presentable, “I’m really glad you agreed to come out with me tonight!”

“Hello, Llewellyn,” I blushed. I couldn’t believe Maddy did that to me! She told me he was going out with her and she just wanted me to tag along in case she needed an escape route.

“Hey, Lew! We are gonna meet my date at the theater.”

“Cool, shall we?” Lew held out his arm like a gentleman for me to take it. I looked at Maddy, but she was already heading toward the car. Reluctantly, I wrapped my arm around his and we headed off on our first date. As we walked the smell of embalming fluid seemed to permeate the air around us.

A second strap snaps, leaving me dangling by one strap!

Madelynne was always pushing me into doing things I didn’t want to do. She’d con me into things as simple as going to eat sushi and watch subtitled films, to far more risky endeavors like skydiving and parasailing. Any time she was going to do something fun and I didn’t want to go we’d waste at least an hour just waiting for her to devise a plan to get me to go along.

She was single-handedly responsible for my relationship with Lew. In addition to her first sneaky attempt to get me on a date with him, she consistently found new ways to get me to go out with him. She’d tell me that we were meeting someone at the club, or the movies, or wherever and it would always be him. She was so sneaky. Heck, she even told me she’d found me the perfect roommate and got him to move half his stuff in before I found out who it was. I should have guessed when the all the clothing that was appearing in the house smelled of embalming fluid.

I knew something was strange this morning though, when I woke up and he was gone. I groped around in the smooth satin sheets but there was no sign of him. The house smelled clean and fresh and all of Lew’s clothes were gone. I got up and made some coffee, and stewed about where he could have gone. I called Maddy, but she didn’t know anything. As I hung up the phone, and looked around the stainless steel kitchen, something caught my eye. A piece of yellow paper was on the black and white tiled floor.

It read:

Hello Love,
I can’t stay anymore, I’ve gone home.
Everything was a mess
so I decided to take care of it.
Sorry,
Love Lew.

HOME! He went back to his parents, on the west coast! I knew I had to get to him, so I left Maddy a message letting her know where I was going then hopped a plane and went to confront him at his parents’ house. As the plane passed over New York I got a phone call.

“Erin? It’s Maddy! Lew is here! I couldn’t tell you that before because he asked me not to, but when I got your message I couldn’t let you fly off to his parents’ place!”

“Why is he there?”

“It’s been coming for a while now, he wanted to make it work with you, but you can’t ever make choices and you never seem to want to do anything impulsive or fun!”

“Why can’t he tell me this?”

“He thought it would be easier if I explained it! I mean after all, the reason he came to me is because he knew that I was the one who pushed you two together! He figured you could care less whether he was there or not, so he left!”

“Oh yeah! Well, fine, he wants something impulsive!” I got up and put on an emergency parachute. I popped open the airlock. “How’s this!” I let the phone fly out of my hand and I jumped!

Well, in hind sight it wasn’t the best moment to be impulsive, but he shouldn’t have left me like that! Now I am hanging by a strap from a building, and I can feel the pigeon squirming on the gargoyle. Sweat is pouring down my face, and I can feel the strap slipping every second. What a waste, I knew I never should have let myself make decisions. It’s better if others make them for me. I made two decisions in my life and they cost me the man I love and now, my life!

Wow, I’ve never really said that before. I love Llewellyn. Of course I love him! Why else would I have put myself through this much trouble. If only I had shown him that while I… crap, I don’t want to die now! As if on cue, the final strap gives way and all I know is the feeling of falling.

I wake up in a cold sweat. A moment of relief washes over me as I turn to see my love, but it’s washed away in that same instant. He’s gone. I grope through the smooth satin sheets, but there is no sign of him. Everything is the same as my dream! I run to the kitchen only to see the same note on the floor by the fridge. I am hyperventilating! Not again, I can’t lose him again! I hear the door handle jiggle and the squeak of the front door seal as it opens to reveal the gorgeous form of my man. I am not even sure my feet touch the tile as I leap across the kitchen to wrap my arms around him. My tears stain his white t-shirt.

“What’s wrong, Love?”

“I thought you’d left me! I had a bad dream and I thought I lost you!” I squeeze him tighter.

“I just brought all my laundry to the mortuary house because we have the big washers there and it’s easier to get it all done. My parents are coming tomorrow remember?”

“Oh, right.” I can’t help but notice the fresh smell of his shirt. “You smell so yummy, what is that?”

“Are you sure you’re feeling ok?”

“I’m fine. Seriously, what is that scent it’s amazing?”

Lew looked at me with a loving, if bewildered, look. “It’s embalming fluid.”